Have hope..

Although it is hard to believe for those who know me now, I used to feel absolutely stuck in a state of anxiety & overwhelm.

I rarely felt good enough to take action toward simple basic goals.

I did do lots of faking it and sometimes I made it just enough to get by.

Deep down, disturbingly I actually believed it was hopeless that I could ever change.

I often felt deflated because I was viewing life through a lens that was chronically depressed. 

Back then, I believed that the life I wanted to live was available to everyone else, and not available to me.

Want to know the good news? 

The motivation to explore the possibilities of  a major transformation  began for me, with a little glimmer of hope after reading "Becoming Supernatural" by Dr. Joe Dispenza.

I started  doing the suggested blessing of the energy centers meditation that he suggested in that book every single day.

 As time unfolded, I was then inspired to continue on going even deeper into my own self reflection.

I ended up investing in  a 7 year exploratory quest, diving deep down into my own mind in order to reflect on my entire life & get to know myself completely in order to repair all that was standing in my way of true real happiness, fulfilling relationships & inner peace..

I made "Inner Peace"  my goal and as I continued to get better and better I was motivated to continue on going deeper and further and I did not stop.

There was such a mess to unravel in my mind.

I felt so confused as to why in the heck I was constantly self sabotaging the moment I would mildly get near success!

Isn't that  unsettling to imagine?

It felt so frustrating that I had little control over my own mind or my life.

I persevered constantly, going even deeper into the past, feeling and facing whatever was there to get that root cause of self sabotage in addition to the other major blocks and limited beliefs.

Thankfully, I found the root cause that was keeping me in that helpless loop of repeated self imposed failure & I unplugged it.

I even located the root cause of these:

•  Constantly putting my own needs last while not knowing what my needs were. (fatal!)
• A mysterious fear of disappointing people that kept me in a constant state of guilt along with fear of failure, fear of succeeding & impostor syndrome. (Huge!)
• Rejection hypersensitivity that had me socially anxious.
•  adhd.
•  Histrionic behavior that had me plugged into compulsively seeking attention in all the wrong places... (loss of control over the need to seek attention.)
•  Maladaptive perfectionism & overachieving  that motivated me to reach toward unrealistic extraordinary expectations.
• A case of CPTSD that  caused emotional dysregulation due to hypervigilance and flashbacks.
• Body dysmorphic disorder & body image disturbance...
• A merry go round of Eating and overweight issues...
• Addiction to food, other substances, behaviors..
• Absolutely debilitating Performance anxiety...
•  And, more.....

And, then after uncovering the root cause reasons for ALL THAT, I did the work to  fill  in those empty spaces inside of myself where I was "not enough" & had been previously filling with substances and  distracting behaviors.

While back in that past, I utilized my training in Energy Healing, Rapid Transformational Therapy, Neurolinguistic Programming & Fitness to reframe outdated beliefs & re-parent myself with the healthy caregiving I deserved and needed..

I upgraded the inner critic that micromanaged my every move, to a new empowering self motivating, self supporting, self loving" inner coach ."

I repaired my sense of self, my lack of any identity at all & I rebuilt the basic foundation of self validated, self belief.

To this day, I challenge myself to GROWTH  by constantly feeling and facing the fear & discomfort of "vulnerability" through risking rejection and failing.

I learned that the ability for me to be vulnerable was the key to true intimacy & aligning with my true self.

I was done with emotional unavailability.

 So, I reached for this holy grail.

It may sound crazy to some..... 

Yet I have to admit that I literally learned how to fall head over heels in love with myself.

What a game changer on every. single. level..

In fact, I work on my heart opening & frequency  so often that, sometimes when I enter a room full of people, I know that they can feel that love vibe coming right out of my pores & spreading throughout the room!!

I only pray they do not misunderstand!! lol

.

I figured out exactly what I needed to do to accept *everything* about myself including the imperfect parts & those ugly past parts where I could not have possibly done better with the tools I was given.

I completely changed the way I think at the subconscious level, upgrading out of a mindset that was "all or nothing" and fixed, to a growth mindset that is abundant & limitless.

Utilizing the tools & skills I learned, I went all the back in utero & resolved the rejection hypersensitivity which was at the root cause of symptoms of adhd.

Over that approximately 7 yr period,  the scary truth is, I gave up most relationships to focus solely upon my own self reflection.

During that time, I did the work to rewire & repattern a totally new empowered familiar.

Most significantly, I became my own best friend.

I can now share that true best friendship with others, from a place of wholeness rather than a place of need, expectation and attachement..

Motivational speaker Jim Rohn is quoted as saying that one of the secrets to becoming a millionaire is to:

 "Work harder on yourself than you do on your job".

And, THAT is exactly what I did.