Although it is hard to believe for those who know me now, I used to feel absolutely stuck in a state of anxiety & overwhelm.
I rarely felt good enough to take action toward simple basic goals.
Deep down, I actually believed it was hopeless that I could ever change that person I was beneath the perfect smile & that exceptionally fabulous looking life.
The cold hard truth is, I was a maladaptive perfectionist that automatically saw what was wrong with myself & those around me. Most of the time I was unable to see anything at all that was right! I used to view myself, my body and my entire life through an overly harsh & extremely critical negative lens.
Unbeknownst to me consciously, I used to use self attacking self talk as a "self punishment" tool to whip myself into shape. I self shamed and self blamed any time I failed to stick to a dieting routine, made a mistake, didn't look good enough etc. God forbid I failed at something, local folks wouldn't see me again for a year or more due to being unable to show my face.
It was as if I micromanaged and beat myself up because it was the only means to keep control over myself. Quite frankly, I did lack self control in many ways.
If I was unable to "win" or overachieve extraordinary results, I found little motivation to try at all. I compared myself to nearly everyone as a means to try to confirm I was better in some way. I was so overly competitive and needed to be "the best" and "win at all cost".
The truth is...
I worked double time faking real confidence while hiding the truth that I was EXTREMELY insecure. My self worth was tied directly to my appearance, my achievements & popularity. This meant that the goal posts could easily be moved because I needed to be extraordinary to be good enough.
As a result of my self worth being tied to my appearance, achievements & popularity, I obsessed about my body and my looks. I kept the pedal to the metal overachieving because any less than absolute perfection meant I was an abject failure.
The reaction of the crowd determined if I could be satisfied with myself or not.
Through all the insanity I stirred up around me on the day to day, a pervasively empty feeling haunted me. I filled that emptiness with excess food and unhealthy behaviors. I then over-exercised to balance the excess eating out.
Disturbingly, I needed more ,more , & more because I was so empty that I felt as if I could NEVER *EVER* get enough.
I believed that the life I wanted to live was available to everyone else except for me. I easily felt envious of others as a result of believing I was powerless to change.
Admittedly, I was unable to ever cheer for others success. This was because I felt so deprived of "enough" for myself. It was not a conscious choice to be unable to cheer for others though. It was beyond my conscious control.
I made this issue of being unable to cheer for others, a MEASUREMENT to reach. I did that because then I would KNOW for sure that I achieved FULL RECOVERY from whatever it was that was triggering envy and was standing in my way of my being happy for others' success.
Want to know the good news?
Miraculously, I met that measurement & recovered fully.
The motivation to explore the possibilities of a major transformation began for me, after hitting rock bottom..
Then, with a little glimmer of hope, I experienced a shift of sorts after reading the book"Becoming Supernatural" by Dr. Joe Dispenza.
I started doing the suggested blessing of the energy centers meditation that he suggested in that book every single day.
As time unfolded, I was then inspired to continue on going even deeper into my own self reflection.
I ended up investing in a 7 year exploratory quest, diving deep down into my own mind in order to reflect on my entire life & get to know myself completely in order to repair all that was standing in my way of true real happiness, fulfilling relationships & inner peace..
I made "Inner Peace" my goal and as I continued to get better and better I was motivated to continue on going deeper and further and I did not stop.
There was such a mess to unravel in my mind.
I felt so confused as to why in the heck I was constantly self sabotaging the moment I would mildly get near success!
Isn't that unsettling to imagine?
It felt so frustrating that I had little control over my own mind or my life.
I persevered constantly, going even deeper into the past, feeling and facing whatever was there to get that root cause of self sabotage in addition to the other major blocks and limited beliefs.
Thankfully, I found the root cause that was keeping me in that helpless loop of repeated self imposed failure & I unplugged it.
I even located the root cause of these:
- Constantly putting my own needs last while not knowing what my needs were. (fatal!)
- A mysterious fear of disappointing people that kept me in a constant state of guilt along with fear of failure, fear of succeeding & impostor syndrome. (Huge!)
- Rejection hypersensitivity that had me socially anxious.
- adhd.
- Histrionic behavior that had me plugged into compulsively seeking attention in all the wrong places... (loss of control over the need to seek attention.)
- Maladaptive perfectionism & overachieving that motivated me to reach toward unrealistic extraordinary expectations.
- A case of CPTSD that caused emotional dysregulation due to hypervigilance and flashbacks.
- Body dysmorphic disorder & body image disturbance...
- A merry go round of Eating and overweight issues...
- Addiction to food, other substances, behaviors..
- Absolutely debilitating Performance anxiety...
- And, more.....
And, then after uncovering the root cause reasons for ALL THAT, I did the work to fill in those empty spaces inside of myself where I was "not enough" & had been previously filling with substances and distracting behaviors.
While back in that past, I utilized my training in Energy Healing, Rapid Transformational Therapy, Neurolinguistic Programming & Fitness to reframe outdated beliefs & re-parent myself with the healthy caregiving I deserved and needed..
I upgraded the inner critic that micromanaged my every move, to a new empowering self motivating, self supporting, self loving" inner coach ."
I repaired my sense of self, my lack of any identity at all & I rebuilt the basic foundation of self validated, self belief.
To this day, I challenge myself to GROWTH by constantly feeling and facing the fear & discomfort of "vulnerability" through risking rejection and failing.
I learned that the ability for me to be vulnerable was the key to true intimacy & aligning with my true self.
I was done with emotional unavailability.
So, I reached for this holy grail.
It may sound crazy to some.....
Yet I have to admit that I literally learned how to fall head over heels in love with myself.
What a game changer on every. single. level..
In fact, I work on my heart opening & frequency so often that, sometimes when I enter a room full of people, I know that they can feel that love vibe coming right out of my pores & spreading throughout the room!!
I only pray they do not misunderstand!! lol
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I figured out exactly what I needed to do to accept *everything* about myself including the imperfect parts & those ugly past parts where I could not have possibly done better with the tools I was given.
I completely changed the way I think at the subconscious level, upgrading out of a mindset that was "all or nothing" and fixed, to a growth mindset that is abundant & limitless.
Utilizing the tools & skills I learned, I went all the back in utero & resolved the rejection hypersensitivity which was at the root cause of symptoms of adhd.
Over that approximately 7 yr period, the scary truth is, I gave up most relationships to focus solely upon my own self reflection.
During that time, I did the work to rewire & repattern a totally new empowered familiar.
Most significantly, I became my own best friend.
I can now share that true best friendship with others, from a place of wholeness rather than a place of need, expectation and attachement..
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn is quoted as saying that one of the secrets to becoming a millionaire is to:
"Work harder on yourself than you do on your job".
And, THAT is exactly what I did.
